Here at culture, we deal in one specific area of expertise, and we like to think we’re pretty good at it. Yes, we deal in cheese, not politics, but we figured if politics has seeped into every other facet of your daily life during this most outlandish of election years, why not cheese?
We’ve already covered cheese habits of presidential candidates in the blue corner (SPOILER: Hillary Clinton is down with some cheese); in the red corner, we could delve into gems from Donal Trump’s masterpiece, The Art of the Meal, or dissect John Kasich’s questionable use of cutlery with a slice of pizza, but one man really steals the cheesy show: Senator Theodore Cruz.
Yes, say what you want about the man, but at the end of the day Ted Cruz is just a man, and like all men and women (except vegans), he can’t get enough of the curd. And, since the Wisconsin primary is today, he’s pulling out all the stops to make sure everyone knows how much he appreciates its most famous export.
Yesterday he made a stop at the Mars Cheese Castle, but that’s just the beginning.
The fun didn’t stop there—or it kind of did. At the same stop his daughter Caroline attempted to put a cheesehead hat on him, which he nimbly side-stepped, a skill which any presidential candidate must master.
He said he wouldn’t wear it because of the No Funny Hats in Politics Rule, and then gave us a kernel of wisdom: “Any hat, by definition, is defined as a funny hat.” (This is a rule, by the way, that Bernie, Hillary, Jeb!, and The Donald have all broken.)
Cruz’s finest hour, however, was yet to come. At a gelato shop in Milwaukee yesterday, a cheeky reporter shouted, “Should we be arming the cheese curds?” while the Texas senator was making his exit. He stopped in his tracks and gave this excellent reply:
“You convinced me. Yes, we need to arm the cheese curds and you know, if we send the cheese curds into ISIS it will fatten them up, and they’ll go down immediately. But you know what? They will die happy, and you know what—maybe they get enough cheese curds they’ll just decide this whole jihad thing—they don’t need it—and they should just happily eat cheese curds and live in peace with their fellow man.”
Wow. We’re going to get political for one quick second and just come out and say that this is by far the best foreign policy plan of this election cycle. Or ever, honestly. Let’s replace the Truman Doctrine or the Obama Doctrine or whatever doctrine we currently have with the Cruz Doctrine: arming the curds since 2016.
Cruz also frequently proves he is figuratively cheesy—there was the time he read Dr. Seuss to the entire Senate:
Or the time he recreated his favorite scene from his favorite movie of all time, The Princess Bride:
Or even the time he auditioned for the Simpsons:
Yes, Ted Cruz is cheesy in just about every aspect of the word. If you plan on casting your vote on dairy prowess alone, you’ve got to give it to Ted. If not, you do you! Vote for who or whatever you want, but mainly please just remember to vote! If you do you can help ensure that we have A) A Future to Believe In; B) Hillary for America; or C) Kasich For Us. Or maybe you’d like to D) Make America Great Again, possibly E) Reigniting the Promise of America.
So many options, so little time; in the meantime, we recommend eating some cheese.