Dear Everyone,
We need to have a little talk. It has recently come to my attention that good ol’ Buzzfeed has taken it upon themselves to ruin the good nature of a grilled cheese sandwich by completely encasing it in bacon. Not only has it come to my attention, but it seems to have come to the attention of every news source from here to the public access channels of Narnia. So, it is with a caring heart and open arms that I say this to you all: it’s time to calm down.
You must excuse me if my tone seems to be a little harsh, but there are some things in this world that you just don’t mess with—grilled cheese being one of them. The grilled cheese sandwich is one of those things that is best prepared with a light touch. While some people might enjoy encrusting them in gold, I believe the real beauty of a grilled cheese comes from how easy it is to take three simple ingredients (bread, butter, cheese), and make them taste otherworldly. It doesn’t matter how much money you have or what kind of car you drive. If you have the will, you can make an amazing grilled cheese sandwich.
When I first heard about this bacon-wrapped monstrosity, I wrote it off as another sad attempt at creating a culinary fad that will most likely dissipate in a few days. Boy was I wrong. All around the world, sources like Fox News and Cosmopolitan are buzzing about this thing like it’s an iPhone15. And it’s not just the amount of coverage that this thing is getting that’s annoying me! Oh no. It’s also the fact that I can’t imagine this thing even being edible, let alone tasty.
First let me say this. Is bacon delicious? Yes. Are grilled cheese sandwiches delicious? YES. Would a few strips of bacon go great on a grilled cheese? Absolutely. The problem here is that it’s not just a few strips of bacon. It’s a heart-stopping, artery-clogging TEN strips of bacon wrapped completely around the outside of the sandwich. Not only does this amount of bacon pack in oceans of salt, but by covering the entire outside of the sandwich with bacon, you completely miss out on achieving a nice crispy crust on your bread, arguably one of the best parts of grilled cheeses! One of my favorite scenes in cinematic history is when Adrian Grenier bites into the rejected grilled cheese he made for Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada. You go watch that scene and tell me that isn’t the most satisfyingly orgasmic crunch you’ve ever heard in your life.
Additionally, you have absolutely no way of telling whether all the cheese inside your sandwich has melted due to its porky exoskeleton. And while I’m sure there’s a 80-90% chance that it will all melt by the time the bacon is cooked, I don’t like taking chances when it comes to grilled cheeses.
Lastly, and most importantly, I want you to look me in the metaphorical eyes and tell me that you would be able to take a bite of this sandwich and taste even the slightest amount of cheesy goodness. For all you know you might as well be eating a dead frog. And what hurts the most is I’m sure that if Buzzfeed took a dead frog and wrapped it in ten strips of bacon people would go crazy for it. Because if there is one food trend that has yet to die down, it’s wrapping things in bacon.
To those who I have offended, I sincerely apologize. But I refuse to let another favorite dish of mine fall victim to yet another food trend. I saw it happen to the donut (I’ll never forgive you for this, Cronut), and I won’t stand by and watch it happen to something as pure as a grilled cheese.
Sincerely,
Julian
Feature Photo Credit: “Bacon-Wrapped Grilled Cheese” by Alvin Zhou | Buzzfeed
Julian Plovnick
Julian is a die-hard dairy lover from the Boston area, working for culture this summer as an editorial intern. When not studying English at Vassar College, Julian can be found binge-watching Top Chef (quiz him on any season and he’ll know the elimination order, no joke), refilling his coffee IV, or researching new ways to incorporate ricotta into his life.
