The Orange is the New Black Season 3 Trailer aired a couple weeks ago, and instead of carving countdown tally marks on my wall in anticipation of the season release, I want to do something far more productive: think about cheese.
When the ladies (and men) of Litchfield return on June 12, I will retreat into my own (much less terrifying than the show) version of The SHU: a quiet place with Netflix and a small(ish) collection of cheese.
Going into my SHU for last season, I realized it was best to secure a collection of cheese vs. just a plate of cheese because I didn’t know how long I’d be in the TV joint or what the world would be like when I came out. (These are real issues).
For this season, it seems fitting to put a little more thought into my cheese collection and match up cheeses to characters in the show—because I’m working at a cheese magazine, and also, why not?
This list does not include a cheese for every character because, well, I can only eat so much cheese (or is that even true?), but it will at least get me started in preparing for a very, very serious time.
Piper Chapman = Cheese Curds
A little fresh, a little squeaky—not everyone likes them but the show (or the cheese) wouldn’t exist without it. Best eaten alone.
Alex Vause = Clothbound Cheddar
A dry, a hard exterior—will crumble when broken and pairs well with sweet things.
Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren = Fat Bottom Girl
Unique and humorous—truly one-of-a-kind (in name and looks), pairs well with spicy things and makes the rockin’ world go ’round.
Galina “Red” Reznikov = Halloumi
Ancient, an original—sturdy, non-melting, and stands up to fire.
Nicky Nichols = Hot Pepper Jack
Smooth, creamy with a bite—the type of thing that will set you up for something dangerous.
Tasha “Taystee” Jefferson = A Cheese Named Sue
Funky and outside-the-box—raw, meaty, complex with a flowery (yet not overpowering) core.
Poussay Washington = Aged Gouda
Sweet, salty, a little crunch; gets better with age.
Lorna Morello = Passion Fruit Yogurt
Passion. So. Much. Passion—an unexpected character, seemingly sweet and satiny but exploding with flavor.
Tiffany “Pennsatucky” Doggett = Red Hawk
Soft but pungent; maybe a littlehard to handle at first, but much milder than you’d expect.
Sophia Burset = Hickory Smoked String Cheese
Curvy, smoky, a twist on a classic—peels apart to expose unexpected textures and flavors.
Photo Credits: Jill Greenberg for Netflix
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