There’s a new app in TechnoTown that HuffPo is calling “the Tinder of wine and cheese.” The free Wisconsin Cheese Cupid app allows iPhone users to pair cheeses with libations of their choosing. One reviewer of the app goes so far as to say that “if you don’t have this app, you’re missing a significant part of your life.” The iTunes store boasts that “Cheese Cupid” provides the answers to some of life’s big questions like, “What cheese goes with my wine?” or “What beer goes with my cheese?” or “If I sit at home alone at night making zig-zag patterns with my fingers in my cat’s fur while I watch Jeopardy and drink scotch out of an old cartoon jelly glass that I like to refer to as ‘my special sanity tumbler,’ which cheese should I be simultaneously munching, hypothetically?”
For all of these questions, there is literally an app for that. And since record snow falls here in the Northeast have driven this culture intern to partake in enjoying many a bottle of wine to stave off the snow-vilifying voices in her head, I decided to give this little app a whirl and fill my apparently significant life void.
First, the app’s homepage asks me to select a beverage category and offers what look like enlarged emojis of a glass of red wine, a glass of white, a tallboy of beer, and a tumbler of what I like to call “saving grace on the third snow day in a row” but what others call “the hard stuff.”
I click through each category, browsing the different options available. Classic favorites make up the wine categories: reds like merlot, pinot noir, and cabernet sauvignon; whites include pinot gris, chardonnay, and riesling. Beer styles are a bit more varied and include ales, lagers, and even ciders and fruit beers. The liquor category is the least expansive, offering only brandy, madeira, port, or scotch. (I guess Dirty Martini drinkers are relegated to pairing their vodka drinks with those little-plastic-pirate-sword-skewered blue-cheese-stuffed olives forever.)
Bemoaning the fact that Malibu Coconut Rum didn’t make the list, I tap “Scotch.” The app immediately offers a slew of cheeses that pair well with scotch’s smoky smooth flavor: blues, cheddars, gouda, Gruyère, and parmesan. Enjoying a chocolate stout instead? I’ve got lots of options with brick, edam, gorgonzola, havarti, and provolone added into the mix.
While helpful, the creepiest part of the Wisconsin Cheese Cupid app has to be the cheese pronunciation feature. The tap of a finger will conjure the voice of an apparent sex-operator-turned-cheese-pronouncer who will say the names of cheeses for you—ya know, just in case you have been living under a cheeseless rock for all of your existence and are not sure how to pronounce tricky cheese names like “Brick,” “Cheddar,” or “Blue.” The breathy voice not only pronounces. Oh no. She also uses said cheese names in comically-seductive sentences. “Cheddar: That’s not a cheeseburger; that’s a cheddar burger.” (Um.) “Brie: Would you like a slice of brie on that turkey and cranberry sandwich.” (Yes. No? I don’t know. Whatever you say.)
While the iPhone app only allows users to pair cheese options with what they’re already drinking, the online version of Cheese Cupid allows for pairing beverages with cheeses users are already eating. About to dig into a gooey orb of brie? The online tool lets you know that you should crack open (or uncork) a pinot noir, a pale ale, or some port to really heighten the cheese’s flavors and textures.
Let’s be honest, though—if you’re eating cheese and engaging in any libation enjoyment, you’re probably doing ok, app or no app.
Feature Photo Credit: Wisconsin Cheese Cupid