Tinder: Kraft Shredded Mexican Cheese Blend
This is your go-to grab for when you just need a cheese fix and can’t be bothered with nuance. Throw on some PJs, queue up “The Office,” and crush handfuls of the stuff straight out the bag, all while swiping through Tinder. You might doze off and wake up to an empty bag and a bed full of shreds, but hey, at least you got a match!
Bumble: Nettle Meadow Farm Three Sisters
Ladies call the shots here, crafting complex profiles that one really has to savor in order to appreciate fully. Oh, and Bumble prioritizes ladies, too. At first blush, the offerings from women-owned Nettle Meadow may intimidate, but they draw you in with such intriguing flavor notes that you can’t help but stick around. But if you’re not into them? Boy, bye.
Farmers Only: Parish Hill Creamery Humble
If the blatant egomania of standard dating profiles has got you down, look no further than Farmers Only. This app caters to modest, hardworking, down-to-earth singles looking for someone to make an honest partner out of them. Much like naturally-rinded Humble, the pickings can look simple at first glance. But look beyond the rustic, earthy exterior and you’ll strike paydirt.
eHarmony: Boursin Garlic & Fine Herbs
Boursin is the Eat, Pray, Love of the supermarket cheese case. It’s from France! It’s wrapped in foil! It’s a little bit, dare we say, adventurous. As the poster app for getting one’s groove back, eHarmony inspires the same thrill if all goes well. If anyone mentions your new glow at your next wine-and-cheese brunch, you can tell them it’s all the great sleep you’ve gotten lately—but we’ll know the real reason.
OKCupid: Tete de Moine
You shoot out an invitation to your friends for a cheese party, and the response is a resounding “Yes!” They arrive at your house, eager for the spread, only to have to sit and watch you struggle with a Girolle, winding it around and around the cylinder of Tete de Moine you bought, twirling out frilly, paper-thin shavings that look like carnation blossoms. Much like OKCupid, you invest time and effort in producing a carefully-crafted, authentic product, when all your guests really wanted was the cheese.
The good news: You can turn your celebrity crush fantasy into a reality. The bad news: the exclusive celebrity-riddled app Raya, which prefers its users don’t mention it by name, only accepts 8% of applicants. The app-that-must-not-be-named has a cheesy doppelganger—at $600 a pound, Pule is not even available on the commercial market. It’s made from the milk of the endangered Balkan donkey, whose low yield results in a lightly sweet milk with subtle almond notes. With a velvety paste that tastes a bit like Manchego, this precious cheese gives a whole new meaning to “you can’t sit with us.”