I’d Like to Thank the A-curd-amy…

It’s that time of year again—this Sunday marks the 88th Academy Awards! And being a cheese magazine, it’s pretty much impossible for us not to equate a special wedge or wheel for each of the eight nominees for Best Picture. Check out our selections below, and cast your vote for Best Cheese!

Just as the protagonists of The Big Short made off with millions on their prediction of the collapse of the financial market yet nevertheless felt kinda bad for profiting off the misfortune of others, so too does a jar of supermarket queso make us feel oh-so amazing as we shovel it in our mouth but then induces queasiness at the thought that we just did that to our bodies. (Since we’re watching the Oscars, though, we recommend going for not-so-gut-busting from-scratch version: Queso Fundido con Pollo.)

There are people watching in every dark corner in Bridge of Spies, so it only made sense for us to choose a cheese with a whole lot of “eyes” to spy on us with as we furtively take a nibble or two. We want to take it easy and avoid the pro- and anti-Commie fervor depicted in the film, though, so we’re going to play it safe with the solid Emmentaler from neutral Switzerland.

A tale of love from Ireland to America deserves a cheese of quality from Ireland to America, and in our minds there are few better winners than Cahill’s Irish Porter Cheese. We recommend not agonizing over monumental life decisions and instead munch on this porter-infused beauty.

We know what you’re thinking—a wheel of brie for this, the most hardcore and action-packed of films? Hear us out: Much of the driving force of the film was the attempt to escape from those harsh elements to a place of peace. And Marin French Brie is definitely pretty peaceful. (And also, doesn’t the bloomy rind remind you of Immortan Joe’s pancake makeup?)

As much of the action of The Martian takes place amongst the desolate canyons and windswept plains of Mars, we knew we had to seek out a cheese to match that trademark red Martian soil. Luckily for us, Sartori’s mixed sheep’s and cow’s milk Pastorale Blend is topped off with an out-of-this-world (get it?) dusting of smoked Spanish paprika.

There are quite a few memorable scenes in this epic, but one that stood out to us was the moment a starving Hugh Glass came across a slaughtered buffalo and took a huge bite out of its liver (or heart? definitely an internal organ of some kind). Since that’s something we don’t really want to try ourselves, we decided the next best thing is a cheese from buffalo’s milk, and Blu di Bufala was the wedge that won out.

This one was also a toughie, but a ray of inspiration struck us at the very last second like a fleeting glimpse of the heavens through a solitary skylight. Beemster’s Graskaas is made from the very first milking of spring, as soon as cows who had been cooped up all winter long joyously frolic in pristine Dutch pastures, which we thought was a pretty good parallel with the new world our young protagonist experiences for the first time.

We’re journalists here at culture, albeit of the cheesy variety, so the whole team absolutely loved this story of fighting the good fight against adverse forces to reveal the Truth. Rush Creek Reserve might not have the same journalistic principles, but it is revelatory—and they did take a stand against some perhaps out-of-touch FDA regulations on raw milk to produce this extraordinary cheese once more after it fell out of production for a spell.

Grant Bradley

Grant Bradley is culture's former web editor and never ceases to thank his nameless human ancestor who figured that leaving some milk around for a while and then eating it was probably a great idea. Raised on California’s Central Coast, educated in the Pacific Northwest, and transplanted to New England, Grant likes to write, edit, and code things.