Man, it has not been a great few weeks for Whole Foods. First there was the controversy about them selling cheese that was sourced in prison rehabilitation programs, then the controversy about them not selling cheese that was sourced in prison rehabilitation programs, then they had that recall, and now they’ve had to fire one of their security companies. The reason? Security at a New Jersey store detained a seventy-year-old woman and banned her from three states worth of Whole Foods Markets after she forgot to pay for her cheese.
According to reports, Margaret Dooley paid $60 for her non-cheese-related items, while the cheese went unnoticed under a bag in her cart. Like the loss prevention agents who took Dooley back into the store after discovering the stolen cheese, we have a few questions.
For starters, what kind of cheese was it? Was it a full wheel? Was it a stinky cheese? Is that how they found her, could they smell the un-bagged Limburger from her cart? Or maybe she tried to make a run for it. The theft has been declared an accident, but are they sure? Could it have been a Robin Hood situation, steal from the rich and give to the poor? Did a group of hungry, conniving mice have put her up to it? Or maybe this is a statement, a form of protest against Whole Foods? Is Dooley a cheese-criminal-in-training, working her way up to bigger heists like stealing a million dollars worth of Parmigiano Reggiano or the world’s most expensive cheese slicer? If that’s the case, she probably could use some more cheese-stealing practice-sessions before her next attempt.