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Enough with Cheese as Food: Put It on Your Face!

Dreams Come True Bounce Cheese Cream

Working for a magazine devoted to cheese, I’ve seen cheese prepared as a food item a million different ways. Melted on a pizza. Ooey-gooey-fied among tendrils of macaroni. Delicately sliced upon an immaculate cracker. Grilled. Fried. Raw. Pasteurized. You name it.

So after a while, I reached a pretty weird and certifiably dark place: the whole cheese-as-a-thing-to-eat paradigm got a little old. I attained a moment of, meh. Very fortunately for me, this foolhardy, temporary hesitation about milk’s leap toward immortality was vigorously shaken with the discovery of the Korean cosmetic moisturizer known as Enprani Bounce Cheese Cream. What they say on the bottle in pretty great foreign English: “Dear, The DREAM of CREAM is now realized. It will extend bouncily on your face such like ‘mozzarella-cheese’ and give elasticity without dryness all day long!” What I would say on the bottle: If you don’t want to eat cheese, why not put it on your face?

This is not to say that the miracle of cheese should be confined to the dinner plate—this face cream’s prime not-so-secret ingredient is whey, which not only is an all-natural protein that will keep your skin hydrated and firm but also contains lactic acid that will eat away at dead skin cells on the surface to reveal beautiful new baby skin cells underneath. And it doesn’t even smell like cheese.

No, the factor that’s really clogging up my metaphorical pores is the texture.

Dreams Come True Bounce Cheese Cream

Photo Credit: Tom Newton, Into the Gloss

The good folks over at Into the Gloss point out that, despite its benefits, the consistency is “less glam” than desired: The cream “feels and looks like melted mozzarella cheese cascading down a slice of deep-dish pizza.” Hmmmm. Mmmmmm?

And apparently it’s not smooth but “sticky.” As someone who avoided the cakey feeling of face-paint as a child with a determined, semi-frightened vehemence, I think I may have to pass. But as a wake up call from my too-much-cheese delusions, I will be forever grateful to Ebrani Bounce Cheese Cream. My dreams really have come true.

Feature Photo Credit: Tom Newton, Into the Gloss

Grant Bradley

Grant Bradley is culture's former web editor and never ceases to thank his nameless human ancestor who figured that leaving some milk around for a while and then eating it was probably a great idea. Raised on California’s Central Coast, educated in the Pacific Northwest, and transplanted to New England, Grant likes to write, edit, and code things.