The Academy Awards are fast approaching. For those of us trying to pick out which films are going to take home a golden statuette, the field seems particularly packed and potential decisions up in the air. Being a cheese magazine, the solution to our bracketing issues was clear-cut: We would pick a cheese to symbolize each movie, and then pick the best cheese of the bunch! Of course we immediately realized that choosing a best cheese was just as difficult as choosing a best movie, but we then discovered we had the perfect Oscars Night cheese plate on our hands.
Check out our picks, assemble your cheeses, and we’ll see you on the red carpet!
American Sniper = Hook’s 15-Year Cheddar
Since Chris Kyle was the most lethal sniper in US history, we decided to pair up the sharpshooter with something decidedly sharp. (Great, right? We continue to pat our backs over that one.) Hook’s 15-Year Cheddar more than fits the bill—crunchy cheese crystals complement the bullet to the tongue that is this fella’s fantastic upfront flavor.
Birdman = Epoisses
This film is so rich, mysterious, and captivating that we needed to find a cheese to match. Like Birdman’s engrossing single-take style, the subtle permutations and not-so-subtle presence of Epoisses will be gone before you know it. Just don’t start throwing objects around with your movie-star telepathy once it’s all finished.
Boyhood = American Single
For such an extraordinary depiction of the everyday experiences that shape us as adults and human beings, we wanted something familiar and often glanced over, but with staying power. While Kraft’s American Singles may occupy some of the lowest rungs of the cheese ladder, few things speak so directly to our boyhoods and girlhoods than classic, neon-orange grilled cheese.
The Grand Budapest Hotel = Vermont Creamery Bijou
Grand Budapest is simultaenously big and small, the gorgeous intricacy of the production detail safely ensconced in the square format of much of the film. The perfect cheese in our minds, then, was Vermont Creamery’s Bijou: petit yet powerful, it’s just as much of a “jewel” as the movie.
The Imitation Game = Double Gloucester
The English genius of Alan Turing deserves a good ol’ English cheese, and few cheeses represented the glory of Albion and the unfortunate double-life Turing was forced to lead in midcentury Britain than the Double Gloucester, named for its mixture of milk and cream.
Selma = Spring Brook Reading
This one was a toughie. How could we possibly translate the enormous struggle of the civil rights movement into a hunk of cheese without, well, trivializing it? Fortunately the answer suggested itself before too long: Spring Brook Reading. Spring Brook Farm is committed to advocacy of its own through its Farm for City Kids program, which combines “classroom studies with firsthand farming experience to give urban kids an understanding of how vital academics are to everyday lives.”
The Theory of Everything = Stilton
Like Imitation Game, Stephen Hawking (and Eddie Redmayne to boot) strike us as so British that it would be negligent to pick something outside of the isles. Nothing puts us more in mind of those ancient university halls and Hawking’s hallowed place in the scientific community than Stilton—the universe would surely be a lesser place without either.
Whiplash = Hooligan
Finally, we come to Whiplash. This was also a difficult cheese to place. We needed a cheesemaker committed to perfect, and a cheese that is nothing but intense. After much deliberation, a clear contender emerged from the ranks: Cato Corner Farm’s Hooligan. Not only is Cato Corner strict in its adherence to high standards of animal welfare, sustainable land management, and raw-milk cheese production, but this washed-rind cow’s milk cheese will have you in its grip in no time.
Feature Photo Credit: Joe Seer & Petr Jilek | Shutterstock.com
Grant Bradley
Grant Bradley is culture's former web editor and never ceases to thank his nameless human ancestor who figured that leaving some milk around for a while and then eating it was probably a great idea. Raised on California’s Central Coast, educated in the Pacific Northwest, and transplanted to New England, Grant likes to write, edit, and code things.
