☰ menu   

Orange is the New Black: Season Cheese


The Orange is the New Black Season 3 Trailer aired a couple weeks ago, and instead of carving countdown tally marks on my wall in anticipation of the season release, I want to do something far more productive: think about cheese.

When the ladies (and men) of Litchfield return on June 12, I will retreat into my own (much less terrifying than the show) version of The SHU: a quiet place with Netflix and a small(ish) collection of cheese.

Going into my SHU for last season, I realized it was best to secure a collection of cheese vs. just a plate of cheese because I didn’t know how long I’d be in the TV joint or what the world would be like when I came out. (These are real issues).

For this season, it seems fitting to put a little more thought into my cheese collection and match up cheeses to characters in the show—because I’m working at a cheese magazine, and also, why not?

This list does not include a cheese for every character because, well, I can only eat so much cheese (or is that even true?), but it will at least get me started in preparing for a very, very serious time.

Piper Chapman = Cheese Curds

OINB_Piper

A little fresh, a little squeaky—not everyone likes them but the show (or the cheese) wouldn’t exist without it. Best eaten alone.

Alex Vause = Clothbound Cheddar

OINB_Alex

A dry, a hard exterior—will crumble when broken and pairs well with sweet things.

Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren = Fat Bottom Girl

OINB_CrazyEyes

Unique and humorous—truly one-of-a-kind (in name and looks), pairs well with spicy things and makes the rockin’ world go ’round.

Galina “Red” Reznikov = Halloumi

OINB_Red

Ancient, an original—sturdy, non-melting, and stands up to fire.

Nicky Nichols = Hot Pepper Jack

OINB_Nicky

Smooth, creamy with a bite—the type of thing that will set you up for something dangerous.

Tasha “Taystee” Jefferson = A Cheese Named Sue

OINB_Taystee

Funky and outside-the-box—raw, meaty, complex with a flowery (yet not overpowering) core.

Poussay Washington = Aged Gouda

OINB_Poussay

Sweet, salty, a little crunch; gets better with age.

Lorna Morello = Passion Fruit Yogurt

OINB_Morello

Passion. So. Much. Passion—an unexpected character, seemingly sweet and satiny but exploding with flavor.

Tiffany “Pennsatucky” Doggett = Red Hawk

OINB_Pennsatucky

Soft but pungent; maybe a littlehard to handle at first, but much milder than you’d expect.

Sophia Burset = Hickory Smoked String Cheese

OINB_Sophia

Curvy, smoky, a twist on a classic—peels apart to expose unexpected textures and flavors.

Photo Credits: Jill Greenberg for Netflix

Amy Fukuizumi

Amy loves few things more than writing and cheese. As a testament to these loves, she drove across the country to join culture: the word on cheese. Her goal as Social Media Manager is to make the world (digitally) feel this love (and 'Like' it a lot).