It might be safe to say that grilled cheese has become the most volatile of all cheese-related products. After fellow intern Jullian started a fire-storm with his wrenching piece taking down the bacon-wrapped grilled cheese, I began to suspect that people were willing to fight and die for their most delectable convictions. My suspicion now seems like a tragic premonition. If only I had the wherewithal to act before it was too late.
On July 7, a police report was filed for domestic battery after a man was sent to the hospital with a stab wound. The cause? His girlfriend had become upset over his late night attempts to make grilled cheese, and she stuck him with scissors in retaliation. The police report filed this summary:
“He said she took ingredients and the pan from him and became violent, saying ‘b**** you ain’t eating anything tonight.’ The report stated [the suspect] got a knife and tried to stab him, but he was able to take the knife away. The victim said [the suspect] then grabbed a pair of scissors, but he was unable to stop her and she allegedly stabbed him. According to the report, the victim told officers [the suspect] said ‘b**** you gone to die tonight.’ He was eventually able to knock the scissors out of her hands.”
Fortunately, the man did not die that night, although the sandwich remained half-cooked. All of us voyeurs are left only to speculate as to the motivations at play. Was grilled cheese a frequent sticking point in the relationship? Had the man already eaten too many grilled cheeses that day? Did he fail to offer her one as well?
Whatever the causes, it is time for us to take a breath and forget our grilled desires. Maybe we could have learned this before, like when a gang war was started at a Rikers Island prison over grilled cheese. What’s done is done. Moving forward, let’s just agree not to stab anyone over cooked bread with melted cheddar. Conversely, if your life is threatened as a result of your longing for grilled cheese, just put down the spatula. It’s not worth it.
If this true crime story made you hungry (like it did me), check out an inventive and safe way to grill your cheese with this Smoke Gouda Apricot Melt .
Feature Photo Credit: Fontana 462 (1960) by Jeremy Crawshaw | CC
Robbie Herbst
Robbie Herbst is a summer editorial intern and an undergrad at Dartmouth College, where he enjoys access to the unimaginably quaint cheese-makers of the upper valley. When he isn’t writing or playing violin, he likes to take bricks of Cabot Extra Sharp Cheddar on long hikes through the White Mountains.
