What’s ahead for spring signs: late night snack attacks and more!
Each zodiac sign has a shadow side: the less-than-stellar quirks that hide in the dark. These undernourished parts of the soul manifest as cosmic cravings in the witching hours. Only the most delicious guilty pleasures will suffice—cheese-centric convenience foods, gut bombs, and over-processed impulse buys from the freezer or bodega. Embrace your dark side by indulging in cheeses that mirror these decadent delights. Snack like no one’s watching!
ARIES
Shadow side signature: Impulsive, short-tempered, egocentric
Midnight snack: Cream Cheese and Taki-Stuffed Jalapeño + Yakult
Guilty pleasure pairing: Laura Chenel Jalapeño Chili Marinated Goat Cheese
Origin: USA
Milk: Goat
+ Totopos + Horchata
Avant-garde Aries is eager to jump on a trend—the bolder the better! Mr. Ram-bunctious is a TikTok personality ready to serve hot takes and viral vittles. Poised in a ring light, he devours the spiciest of culinary challenges with gusto: a jumbo raw jalapeño crammed with cream cheese and hot Takis. The tear-inducing capsaicin levels are worth the fleeting 15 seconds of fame.
TAURUS
Shadow side signature: Gluttonous, possessive, unadventurous
Midnight snack: A Crave Case of White Castle Sliders + Grape Soda
Guilty pleasure pairing: Jasper Hill Farm Winnimere
Origin: USA
Milk: Cow
+ King’s Hawaiian Rolls + Underwood Canned Pinot Noir
Even the most gracious hosts succumb to burnout. After the party is over and the banquet table is cleared, Taurus realizes she hasn’t eaten a bite all night! The remedy for a hangry heifer? A flock of tiny, greasy cheeseburgers nestled in a box she can hoard. Is it selfish to feast on sliders solo until sunrise? Taurus says it’s self-care for the chronically benevolent.
GEMINI
Shadow side signature: Gossipy, distracted, hyperactive
Midnight snack: Ruffles Sour Cream & Onion Potato Chips + Sour Cream and Onion Dip + Olde English 800
Guilty pleasure pairing: Cotswold
Origin: UK
Milk: Cow
+ Kettle Chips + Brown Ale
On a munchies run after hours, the neighborhood bodega is a backdrop for the Gemini siblings’ screwball sitcom. They are too caught up in their chitchat to realize they have doubled down on their favorite flavor: sour cream and onion. Perhaps the synchronicity is a manifestation of their twin-tuition. When their mile-a-minute banter curdles into inevitable trash-talking, mouthfuls of chips and dip provide a brief but delicious beat of silence.
Alana M. Miller
Sun: Aquarius | Moon: Aquarius | Rising: Libra Alana is an avid cook, party-organizer, and archivist who not-so-secretly wants to be a cheese librarian (aka cheesemonger). With her Sun and Moon in Aquarius, she delights in creating systems and then disrupting them – perhaps this is why she sought to merge the taxonomy of cheese and mythology of the zodiac. She has published writing in Broccoli Mag, The Billfold, and the Museum of Modern Art’s Inside/Out blog. She is also co-creator and co-host of the podcast The Soak. When not compiling her own cheese card catalog, Alana enjoys spending time with her beehives, cats, and queso-obsessed husband in the San Francisco Bay Area.
Janet Konz
Sun: Aries | Moon: Leo | Rising: Virgo Janet has been astrology-obsessed from an early age. She’s pretty sure her first search on AskJeeves.com was “aries + astrology.” Janet’s exuberance and eagerness to get into the fray is a testament to her Sun in Aries. She is an astrology-savant, musician, raconteur, esthetician, and hairdresser-extraordinaire, all of which give her ample opportunity to scrutinize everyone’s signs and make cosmic connections. She resides in Brooklyn with her vegan companion.
