What’s ahead for winter signs: snacking, snacking, and more snacking!
Each zodiac sign has a shadow side: the less-than-stellar quirks that hide in the dark. These undernourished parts of the soul manifest as cosmic cravings in the witching hours. Only the most delicious guilty pleasures will suffice—cheese-centric convenience foods, gut bombs, and over-processed impulse buys from the freezer or bodega. Embrace your dark side by indulging in cheeses that mirror these decadent delights. Snack like no one’s watching!
CAPRICORN
Shadow side signature: Workaholic, repressed, calculating
Midnight snack: Philly Cheesesteak (with extra Cheez Whiz) + 5-Hour Energy Drink
Guilty pleasure pairing: Maple Leaf Pepper Jack
Origin: Wisconsin
Milk: Pasteurized cow
+ Beef Jerky + Hazy IPA
All work and no play leaves striver Capricorn feeling hangry. After crossing off her to-do list, acing her KPIs, and generally crushing it, the overachieving sea goat wants to cut loose. Capricorn will forego her usual composure and abandon herself in a sloppy gas-station Philly cheesesteak. What better reward for hustling than a hot mess of Cheez Whiz, onions, peppers, and steak wolfed down in the driver’s seat of a car?
AQUARIUS
Shadow side signature: Eccentric, aloof, quixotic
Midnight snack: Popcorn with Cheese Powder and Nutritional Yeast + Bottomless Fountain Soda
Guilty pleasure pairing: Cheddar Cheese Curds
Origin: Wisconsin
Milk: Pasteurized cow
+ Butterscotch Candies + Sarsaparilla
Aquarius revels in big-picture thinking—the more technologically innovative and utopian, the better! This visionary streak can set the lofty water-bearer apart, leaving him at a cool remove from the rest of humanity. Like a movie director screening the dailies in an empty theater, Aquarius fades into the background and observes as his machinations play out. Only a greasy bag of hot popcorn dusted with a mix of freeze-dried cheddar powder and nutritional yeast can warm his chilly heart.
PISCES
Shadow side signature: Empathic, fickle, sentimental
Midnight snack: Salted Cheese Foam Peach Oolong Boba Tea + Extra Boba
Guilty pleasure pairing: Blakesville Creamery Afterglow
Origin: Wisconsin.
Milk: Pasteurized goat
+ Wildflower Honey + Peach Oolong Tea
Go-with-the-flow Pisces has a penchant for catching feelings and soaking up vibes. Her dreamy nature can veer into sappy impracticality if she lets her emotions drift too far. The seven seas couldn’t quench this slippery fish’s thirst for romance and mystery! Late at night, you can find her starry-eyed and sipping on a chimerical concoction: fruity boba tea topped with a cloud of cheese foam. Savor the sweetly strange enigma!
Alana M. Miller
Sun: Aquarius | Moon: Aquarius | Rising: Libra Alana is an avid cook, party-organizer, and archivist who not-so-secretly wants to be a cheese librarian (aka cheesemonger). With her Sun and Moon in Aquarius, she delights in creating systems and then disrupting them – perhaps this is why she sought to merge the taxonomy of cheese and mythology of the zodiac. She has published writing in Broccoli Mag, The Billfold, and the Museum of Modern Art’s Inside/Out blog. She is also co-creator and co-host of the podcast The Soak. When not compiling her own cheese card catalog, Alana enjoys spending time with her beehives, cats, and queso-obsessed husband in the San Francisco Bay Area.
Janet Konz
Sun: Aries | Moon: Leo | Rising: Virgo Janet has been astrology-obsessed from an early age. She’s pretty sure her first search on AskJeeves.com was “aries + astrology.” Janet’s exuberance and eagerness to get into the fray is a testament to her Sun in Aries. She is an astrology-savant, musician, raconteur, esthetician, and hairdresser-extraordinaire, all of which give her ample opportunity to scrutinize everyone’s signs and make cosmic connections. She resides in Brooklyn with her vegan companion.
