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The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City cast is bold, complex, and craveable, three words that could also describe our feelings toward cheese. Like a well-crafted cheese board, each housewife brings her own unique flavor to the show—whether it’s the reliable crowd-pleaser, the polarizing character you love to hate, or the over-the-top personality that makes you question your taste.
In celebration of last night’s RHOSLC Season 5 premiere, here are our favorite snowflakes personified as cheese:
Heather Gay – Beehive Cheese’s Barely Buzzed
Utah royalty for Utah royalty. Love her or hate her, you can’t deny that Heather is the backbone of RHOSLC, which makes her the workhorse of the cheese world: cheddar. And what better cheddar to represent this bad Mormon than Utah’s own award-winning Beehive Cheese’s Barely Buzzed. Rubbed in lavender and espresso, consuming this cheese might classify you as a bad Mormon.
Lisa Barlow – Babybel Light
Baby Gorgeous is Babybel (specifically, Babybel Light). Lisa is a petite, polarizing-yet-beloved standby—and is obsessed with processed foods (shoutout Wendy’s and Diet Coke).
Whitney Rose – Alp Blossom
“This rose isn’t scared to handle a little prick.” Much like Whitney Rose, Alp Blossom is a beautiful, floral expression of its native mountains. With flavors of Biscoff cookies, savory herbs, and rose petals, you’ll be glad to give in to this cheese. Alp Blossom is reminiscent of Gruyère: nutty, a bit beefy, and with savory hints from the rind—but its herbaceous smell and pastoral sweetness are all its own. As one of the franchise’s core cast members, Rose continually delivers entertainment. And like Whitney, Alp Blossom can hold its own next to strong pairings.
Meredith Marks – Murray’s Cave Aged Reserve Greensward
Baths are Meredith’s thing! As an avid bath-lover, Meredith Marks has to be a washed-rind cheese. And because she’s slept with half of New York (according to Lisa), it has to be a New York cheese oozing with sex appeal. Enter Greensward, a silky, spoonable cheese washed in cider. This bold sexpot steals every scene, just like the roomaz and nastiness swirling around Meredith.
Angie K. – Feta
Everyone’s favorite alleged Greek mafioso has to be Feta. And not just any Feta, we’re talking Essex Feta from Lesbos. This 100-percent sheep’s milk feta shows you what Feta can and should be, the same way Angie K. has filled our cups with the campy, fun, light-hearted drama we crave from housewives. Cheers to Greek icons!
Mary Cosby – (A Forgotten) Triple Cream
Mary Cosby is the ammoniated triple cream you took a bite of, didn’t like, and then tucked in the back of your fridge in hopes of erasing the misguided purchase from memory. Yet for some unknown reason, you just can’t bring yourself to throw it away. Mary, if you’re reading this, please don’t smite me.
Bronwyn Newport – Fresh Chèvre
Newbie Bronwyn is fresh on the scene so it’s too soon to know what she’ll bring to the show. For now, she’s being classified as a fresh chèvre, a young, unaged goat’s milk cheese that’s simple and lacks the complexity of its aged counterparts. Maybe next year she’ll be upgraded to a Drunken Goat? Only time will tell.
Gone But Not Forgotten
While these former housewives are no longer on RHOSLC, they made their mark on the franchise and remain omnipresent in the show’s universe.
Jen Shah – Casu Marzu
Jen Shah as Casu Marzu (aka the maggot cheese) makes sense beyond the fact that both have a complicated legal status. Casu Marzu is a Sardinian sheep’s milk cheese that is intentionally placed outdoors where cheese flies (Piophila casei) can find it and use it as a cheap hotel room for trysts and baby-making. The cheese is illegal to sell in the United States and the European Union, paralleling Jen’s 6.5-year prison sentence for fraud. Casu Marzu is one of the most attention-grabbing cheeses in the world, much like how Jen’s on-camera arrest and subsequent legal drama made headlines far beyond the Bravoverse.
Monica Garcia – American Cheese
Similar to how American singles aspire to be real cheese, Monica Garcia yearned to be a real Real Housewife. But like American cheese, she came up short. Despite her brief tenure, Monica cemented a spot in the housewives hall of fame. A world without Monica would be devoid of “Receipts! Proof! Timeline! Screenshots!”; a world without American cheese would be devoid of the perfect cheese pull. Both are necessary in their own weird ways. Plus, what’s more American than dreams of reality TV stardom?
Josie Krogh
Josie Krogh is culture's Digital Strategy Lead. She earned her master's degree in Agricultural and Applied Economics from The University of Georgia. Josie developed a love of food while working at farmstands in the D.C. area as a young adult, and discovered her love of cheese while living and working on a dairy farm on Martha's Vineyard. Josie currently lives in Catskill, NY.
