Nostalgia: the bittersweet sensation of recollecting and yearning for the past. Nostalgia can be great, like when you find your old Easy Bake Oven in the attic and blissfully enjoy lukewarm cake batter in remembrance of the good old days. Or like when you locate your old Power Ranger action figures and play with them for hours on end. Nostalgia is a beautiful thing, but it can also be dangerous. That’s where these recipes come in. We scoured the internet for some of the worst cheesy creations that people actually put inside their bodies throughout different times in American history. Unsurprisingly, we came across a lot of molds, a lot of casseroles, and waaaaay too much gelatin, but we’ve tried to diversify the list so as not to give Jell-O too much attention. Buckle your seat-belts and brave your stomach, cause this one’s gonna be a doozy.
Via Scribd
I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Do I start with how Tuna Ring sounds way too close to Nuva Ring? Do I mention the horrifying imagery of spooning a cheddar cheese sauce over a hot tuna-filled pastry? Or what about the fact that this thing looks like the Pokemon Starmie? Whoever could stomach this Betty Crocker monstrosity should be studied.
This one is just offensive. It’s as if after eating a delicious noodle kugel at a friend’s Hannukah party, some goy decided to ruin everyone’s lives by “putting a Christmas spin” on it. Kugel is a lot of things: warm, comforting, and most of all delicious. If there is one thing kugel is NOT, it is vermicelli topped with cranberry sauce.
Here’s the thing: these wouldn’t be as horrific if it was just pâté and cheese rolled together into a ball. But no—for their 1967 Complete Christmas Cookbook, Good Housekeeping decided it would be a good idea to encase tiny balls of cream cheese in a liver gelatin. Because if there’s one thing that every dish needs, it’s jello.
This Weight Watchers recipe from 1974 is actually pretty smart, basically guaranteeing weight loss since there’s no way in hell you’d ever eat it. Cottage and blue cheese are blended together with a whole bunch of crap, frozen into a mold, and served in slices. You can tell this is a gross recipe because it makes “8 luncheon servings,” and no one fun goes to luncheons.
This Blue Cheese Mousse comes to us from a 1973 issue of Bon Appetít. Not only does this recipe look disgusting (WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE IN A MOLD), but it’s way too labor-intensive for how nasty it is. If I want to burn a hole through my stomach, there are easier ways than having to force blue cheese through a sieve.
Feature Photo Credit: “Checking on Dinner” by Everett Collection | Shutterstock
Julian Plovnick
Julian is a die-hard dairy lover from the Boston area, working for culture this summer as an editorial intern. When not studying English at Vassar College, Julian can be found binge-watching Top Chef (quiz him on any season and he’ll know the elimination order, no joke), refilling his coffee IV, or researching new ways to incorporate ricotta into his life.
